The Life Changing Magic of Asking for What you Want

Wrapping up our registry series, plus ballpark eats!

Today we’re wrapping up our registry series (here are parts one, two, and three) with some thoughts on giving and burnout. I’ve really enjoyed writing this series and hearing from you on this topic. I’ll be doing more series later this year, let me know in the comments or in a reply if there’s a topic you’re interested in exploring

I recently read a book about burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagowski, a rec from Leah. It has some really helpful insights about stress cycles and how to complete them (crying and exercise really help). The book is geared towards women and has some insights on one of the reasons women are so burnt out: they’re human givers rather than human beings. Stick with me for a second: women are the ones who do more of the housework, more of the childcare work, more of the office housekeeping work (I can’t even count how many birthday cards I had to manage in old job) and when they work outside the home, they get paid less and don’t get guaranteed parental leave. So many of the traditional markers of a woman’s life are around giving time and work and literally birth to others. Even when I think about weddings and coordinating those, so much of the work is often done by the brides and the mothers and the best friends.

Giving can feel really good and is not always one sided—hopefully you’re receiving as well. The book observed that most men are raised to be rather than to give. They can move through the world examining their skills and desires and make decisions based on that, rather than taking the temperature of others in the rooms. That’s not necessarily a great thing (see the many male CEOs who treat workers terribly and destroy the planet with their egos). The authors make the point that all humans need to be more oriented towards giving because that would lead to a better quality of life overall—if we all gave and received more, things would feel better. Note: this book, like a lot of scientific research, uses the gender binary, which is frustrating because I know many queer families have better division of labor and more equality.